Sunday, January 19, 2014

An Uptown Rant. From an Uptown Ranter/Ratter. 400 Days Until "D" Day. The "D" doesn't stand for DENICE!



I saw the new produce store opening thread and it got me to thinking.

Do you know why we lack small independent produce stores in this neighborhood? Do ya?
James "Best Practices" Cappleman.

How, you ask? Well perhaps some of you, like me, were unaware that Cappleman is responsible for the drop in the percentage of ethnic minorities who live in Uptown. My "Friends" over at Uptown Uprising pointed this out the other day using 2010 Census data. Now I was under the impression Cappleman didn't get elected until 2011, but perhaps my drinking has had a negative effect on my internal memory chip.

I guess the drop in the hispanic population from 2000-2010 was Cappleman's fault and not because of a huge decline in Mexican immigration to the USA and changing housing patterns among hispanics who do immigrate here. Now most hispanic immigrants skip living in the city and move directly to suburbs. Do they do this because of proximity to factories and other jobs? Hell no! They do it because James "then non alderman" Cappleman forced them to.

Now Cappleman didn't move to Uptown till about 1998 or so. I'm sure my good friend and expert on all things Uptown and/or Jesus related, JP Paulus, will verify that. He probably has a spreadsheet somewhere detailing the moves of every person into or out of Uptown since approximately 1995 based on race, ethnicity, gender, income, sexual identity, hair color and membership in various evangelical religious groups. I'm not on that spreadsheet since I was here before JP and after JP. BJ and AJ so to speak to use an BC/AD like theme. Or to be politically correct I could call it the "Common JP Era". Don't want to offend any non Christians out there.

Since the hispanic population in Uptown dropped from approximately 40 percent in 1990 to 20 percent in 2000 we may have to blame either Helen Shiller or me. Perhaps even JP since he was here then. Or how about my buddy Jon Trott?

Seems Trott has come out of his online shell. He's now posting at Uptown Uprising as Johannes de Silentio. That's cute. It's a reference to Kierkegaard. Jon's as much of a "knight of faith" as I am a champion poodle breeder.


What I wanted to point out though is that we are exactly 1 year, 1 month and 4 days from "D-Day". 400
days to "D-Day" so to speak. What is "D-Day" you ask? February 24th, 2015. Aldermanic election day. Or as I prefer to think of it the(D) day the counter counter-revolution will be defeated!

Seriously, have a drink or three and head over to the Uprising Facebook page.

To paraphrase from the "Tao of Caddyshack":

To win, you must know your enemy, and in this case your enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior voter organization. And that's all she wrote.

Next election the varmints will largely be leftists who believe that recent Uptown Past was better than current Uptown Present, and that Uptown Future should return to those glorious days of near daily knifings, gunshots and gangs literally battling for the traffic island at Montrose and Broadway/Sheridan. Those of us who disagree will be labeled racists, downscale burghers, property manipulators, uncaring etc etc etc. Just be glad this isn't Cuba circa 1958 or some of our Che T-shirt wearing opponents would line many of us up against a wall and shoot us. Hyperbole you say? Perhaps. Perhaps not.



Perhaps I'll have another beer.

Speaking of beer I was out last night drinking at my favorite neighborhood watering hole and ran into one of my neighbors. My neighbor, let's call her "HB" for Hot and Bothered, enlightened me on the recent goings on among the neighborhood and outside the neighborhood leftist horde who oppose Cappleman, apple pie and Chevrolet.

Apparently the young woman who runs Uptown Uprising has moved out of Uptown. Can it be true? Say it ain't so. I had hoped she would run for alderman against the Capplemaniac. Having a real dyed in the wool, I like references to wool it makes me think of Ireland, the Farm at the Zoo, and sheep, hardcore leftie would not only amuse me, but would enhance Cappleman's fundraising by a factor of "C". "C" in that case stands for "Che".

It's also nice that her first name, Stavroula, is not only cool, but begins with a "S". Just imagine Alderwoman Stavroula! I could have gone from PTSD, Post Traumatic Shiller Disorder, to Post Traumatic Stavroula disorder. Keep that whole "S" thing going. I know Stavroula is a Greek name, but it sounds vaguely Slavic. Then all we would need is Boris and Natasha to run her campaign and I and my other personality would obviously be Rocky and Bullwinkle.



Sadly if Stavroula truly has moved out of the ward then she won't be running. Besides the joy of her having a cool name it would have annoyed candidate "Necie" and the out of ward clowns that seem to be advising her. "Necie" reminds me a bit of Ann Romney. Now I know at first glance that seems like a silly statement, but go with me here. Both Ann and "Denice with a C" have a sense of entitlement as large as the moon Oberon circling the planet Uranus. Why did I pick that moon, you ask? I just like typing the word "Uranus". Makes me giggle.

I expect and hope for lotsa giggles in the next 400 days before the election. Now it's possible that Denice Davis or some other lefty candidate could beat Cappleman. All they need is space aliens to land in Uptown and turn all likely voters who own property into Scotsmen. As Monty Python pointed out Scotsman can't play tennis and I'm fairly sure they couldn't vote in an Uptown election. That's the ticket. The lefties get the BlancMange to invade Uptown, turn Cappleman voters into Scotsmen, and voila....Denice will be alderman!

It's evil genius I tell you. Move while you can. Save yourself the horror of waking up with a kilt and bagpipe music playing on your clock radio!