Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The 2015 46th Ward Aldermanic Election--Episode 1: The Shillpire Strikes Back Episode 2: Return of the CapEye

Well loyal readers, all ten of you, here is what you've been waiting for. The IrishPirate farcicial take on the 46th Ward aldermanic election. What happened, why did it happen, who did what to whom and will George Lucas put memorabilia from it in his possible lakefront museum?

First, let's start off with the runup to the general election in February. In this our hero, James Cappleman from the planet Textooine, took on the combined forces of the old guard and the lesbian softball/FOP militia and was forced into a runoff. The old guard was represented by longtime Shillerite Sith Denice "Darth" Davis and a heretofore unknown Lith(Lesbian Sith) named Amy Crawford from the planetoid Columbus.

In a surprising development the combined Shillthian forces managed to avoid a rout in the battle and received a combined 53 percent in the election. They were aided by low turnout, the dark side(the capplehate)being more of a motivating factor that the force(capplelove), prodigious amounts of assistance from the twin planetoids Kirkland and Ellis, a slight realignment of the ward boundaries bringing in more votes from the planet Lakeview,Lithian influence in the security services(FOP) and endorsements from the fading twin moons SunnyTimes and Tribbyune.

The February results provided hope to the remnants of the Shillpire as they rallied around their surviving candidate the newly christened Larth Crader.

However, within mere days cracks started to appear in Larth Crader's persona. Her top aide General McAlpin was abruptly replaced by General Didech from the planet DePaul. Darth Davis's campaign guru Admiral Cortez defected to the Cappleside with background information about the status and heretofore secret supporters of Larth Crader. The public naming of such supporters such as bounty hunter Boba Kaplan and the former Queen's son Count Brendookie helped rally support to the Capplecause from throughout the ward.

Soon cracks appeared publicly in the FOP support Larth Crader received as questions arose why Security Services would align themselves with a candidate who was receiving the support of people who actively worked against their perceived interests. Noted supporters of the old order rallied to Larth Crader's defense in a vain attempt to stop the tide of the campaign from turning. Baron Von Twerker desperately tried to utilize his magical booty to save the day. He was joined by Captain Hooker who when not looking at pornography involving Howard Zinn, Castro, and Che Guevara tried to rally support utilizing his propaganda site Uptown Uprising. Fellow traveler and self proclaimed Jesus Person Baron VanderTrott rallied his troops by invoking images of noted Cappleman Jedi IrishPirate being forced to walk the plank. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH. They were also joined by the Sybils of the old order Lord Quarky and his multiple ID's and Lady Chicagomumma.

The 42 days and nights between the general election and the runoff passed quickly as additional support rallied to the Capplecause and AlderYoda predicted the forces of the old order would be defeated. It was clear to disinterested observers that the pressure was getting to Larth Crader as she was seen to have a minor meltdown during a debate battle where she channeled her inner "Treasure of Sierra Madre" and famously had this exchange with our hero:

Cappleman: "If you've been involved then what meetings did you attend?"

Larth Crader: "Meetings? We ain't got no meetings. We don't need no meetings.
We don't need to go to no stinkin meetings!"

In desperation her supporters started reporting questionable sounds as gunfire and even took to riding tricycles throughout the ward in the hopes of being able to report dog flatulence as gang gunbattles on Lawrence Avenue. When not riding their trikes some of them even made montages showing Larth Crader center among other famous females who graduated from law schools and disseminated those montages using multiple ID's over and over and over.

Then election day came. One Crader stronghold opened late and to compensate was ordered to stay open for an extra hour. The first report from the battle came in at

7:24pm - 10 out of 40 precincts (25.00 %)

JAMES CAPPLEMAN - 1,511 - 49.90 %
AMY CRAWFORD - 1,517 - 50.10 %

For 11 minutes there was hope among the Craderites and Shilleristas that the old order would be restored and the dystopic Uptown of the past would once again be thought of as a Shining Light on Cricket Hill that all neighborhoods should emulate.

Then at 7:35pm - 19 out of 40 precincts (47.50 %)reported and it was clear that their hopes and efforts had been for naught. Their champion fell behind and the Capplelead continued to grow as the hours went on. At the Uptown Underground Ewok burlesque dancers entertained the crowd as the lead grew and the crowd waited anxiously for the arrival of their victorious champion with the full knowledge that the second victory was more important than the first victory four years before.

JAMES CAPPLEMAN - 3,033 - 52.87 %
AMY CRAWFORD - 2,704 - 47.13 %

The final totals as of today:

12982 total aldermanic votes

6971 James Cappleman 53.70%

6011 Amy Crawford 46.30%

........and the Ewoks danced as the deathstar exploded.


Jeffrey Littleton said...

Do people comment here?

IrishPirate said...

Mostly just assholes.

Unknown said...

How is your life as an asshole going?